He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
