I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
