I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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