so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Found the puke drawer
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
