The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
