he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
