and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
