Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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