Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
