This is not my ceiling
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
