You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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