do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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