when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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