can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dignity is for republicans.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Text me some of your sweat
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
