The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
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I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Last time i carry you out of a forest
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Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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