currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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