And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
