guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
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I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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