guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
