elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
