so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
