Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
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If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
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Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.