Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
