So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
