I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
