either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
