I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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