mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
