There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
