we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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