He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
