alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
