There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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