Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just want nice things and good sex
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
