Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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