i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
