90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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