So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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