I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
