It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
