my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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