He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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