Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
