Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
