There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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