you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
