My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
