Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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