OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My penis needs a shock collar
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
