Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
