Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
