We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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