My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize